A channel

I am sitting here in front of the falling snow, and the tree in front of me has started to revolve my emotions.
I have so much to feel that I can only stay here. I can't start doing something. Right now I feel like I can't have any other life than just sitting and feeling...

Yesterday I showed my documentary and a series of pictures at home on the projector. I felt so amateur. It felt so strong.

The snow is also painting some of my hair white.

It is so difficult for me to not feel your emotions as mine, to separate you from me. I can't manage all this.

I realised that I was trying to decide for myself, to involve the least people in my decision processes so that they wouldn't get my insecurity and also so that they would not unvoluntarily convince me. Now the result is that I left everyone outside and I played with them.

And in the end, the most painful thing, what I want to learn to accept, is that nothing is 100% sure. And that I am ruled by strong emotions, good and bad, and I need to learn to feel them without reacting. Because all the reacting makes everyone's head spin, including mine.

I forget that I am a human, I right now feel just like a channel, connecting with the after worlds. Feeling this 21st of december approach. All humanly tasks seem so senseless. I am not suicidal, but it feels like suicide is the ultimate choice situation. And therefore also life.